“... anyway, today I didn’t even go to the pool. In fact, it’s been several days since I’ve been to the pool. And one of the reasons is I don’t want to find the lifeguard there . His name is Mike and he is fairly cute. But I can’t stand him sometimes, and whenever I got there I feel left out...”
I was already feeling a secret crush on this handsome lifeguard, but didn’t want to admit it, not even to my diary. When I said I felt left out, it was because I thought he didn’t pay any attention to me. And we know how that can affect a teenage girl in the peek of sensitivity. All sorts of feeling comes as a result: rejection, complex, you name it. When I analyze it in my current perspective, and because this sort of negative feedback happened in many other occasions in my life, I come to the conclusion that my shyness wasn’t a favorable characteristic. I wasn’t shy because I wanted to, but because I could not perceive the possibility of someone being attracted to me. I was clumsy, I didn’t feel pretty enough and filtered these emotions in a shell disguised as shyness. I haven’t lost the shyness, but I learned to like myself the way I am, and that is a big help. When you hear people say that self esteem is the key to your wellbeing, it’s no lie. It took me a long time like myself, but something triggered that. Later on I will try to figure out what did. A big part of life is about self discovery, and that’s what I’m doing right now as I try to recover the last 15 years of my life in an attempt to discover myself. I don’t have and end, I’m really just writing what I feel as I go. And the beauty in this “mission” is that each day I feel different, I see things in different way. I think we all do. But I believe, as a woman, that I’m living better years now than in my teen years. Right now, I’m going through the near thirties phase, but that’s a bridge I’m fighting to cross with serenity. I haven’t found the calm I want, but I think I’ll find it. I have to.
As time went by, I grew founder of Michael, and it began to show.
I was already feeling a secret crush on this handsome lifeguard, but didn’t want to admit it, not even to my diary. When I said I felt left out, it was because I thought he didn’t pay any attention to me. And we know how that can affect a teenage girl in the peek of sensitivity. All sorts of feeling comes as a result: rejection, complex, you name it. When I analyze it in my current perspective, and because this sort of negative feedback happened in many other occasions in my life, I come to the conclusion that my shyness wasn’t a favorable characteristic. I wasn’t shy because I wanted to, but because I could not perceive the possibility of someone being attracted to me. I was clumsy, I didn’t feel pretty enough and filtered these emotions in a shell disguised as shyness. I haven’t lost the shyness, but I learned to like myself the way I am, and that is a big help. When you hear people say that self esteem is the key to your wellbeing, it’s no lie. It took me a long time like myself, but something triggered that. Later on I will try to figure out what did. A big part of life is about self discovery, and that’s what I’m doing right now as I try to recover the last 15 years of my life in an attempt to discover myself. I don’t have and end, I’m really just writing what I feel as I go. And the beauty in this “mission” is that each day I feel different, I see things in different way. I think we all do. But I believe, as a woman, that I’m living better years now than in my teen years. Right now, I’m going through the near thirties phase, but that’s a bridge I’m fighting to cross with serenity. I haven’t found the calm I want, but I think I’ll find it. I have to.
As time went by, I grew founder of Michael, and it began to show.